Chemo #39 – bent and broken into the final stretch

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crawling runnerInhale.  Exhale.  S l o w l y.

Where am I feeling the stress?  Is it in my knotted stomach?  Is my heart feeling heavy?  Are my shoulders tense?  Bones achy?  Mind overtaxed?

Phew, found it.

What’s caused that?

Can I fix it?

Breathe it out.  Let it go.

Ok, move on.

This is how I’ve spent the past 2 weeks processing my days.  It’s been a massive battle of willpower and focus.  I’ve made a few long visits to the forest.  Mentally and emotionally, I’ve been hanging on by a thread and feeling the burden of the proverbial penultimate straw.

Failed blood tests, a bruising booster shot, treatment #38, and possibly some odd astrological interference in the mix, sent me spiralling into an abyss but I’ve clawed my way out.  For now.  The cumulative effect of this journey is taking its toll and I won’t underestimate its power.

I’m exhausted.

I can empathise with a Comrades Marathon runner.  As you see his spent body collapse 50m to the finish line having already completed a gruelling 96km, there’s just nothing left.  As you force your will through the TV screen to add to the cheering crowds lining the finishing stretch, he pulls strength from somewhere deep inside one more time to drag his weak, shaking body across the line.  No one can do it for him.  He’s got to cross the line on his own.

Today’s treatment marks the end of a cycle.  One more cycle (3 sessions) to go.

Inhale.  Exhale.  S l o w l y.

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