But You Look So Well


angryIf one more person tells me this, I won’t be responsible for my actions.

I’ve had 4 years of this crap now and for the second time. What other healthy person has dealt with the frustration of an extended hospital stay, numerous operations, 4 lines of failed chemo, hair loss, brain fog, depleted energy, a pushy doctor as part of their “support” team, and no progress.

I’m angry and I’m sad and not a single soul can help me with it. So shove the positive gratitude speeches. I’ve heard them all and written most of them myself. I’m over it. This is the reality.

I’m not in the clear. Even if I were, there’s still the aftermath. If I try to start ANYthing – a new job, insurances, relationships, moving to a different country – I’m either peered at from a safe distance or not even given a second glance. I’m like the Invisible Man but without the superpower. Pointless. It doesn’t matter how skilled I am or what strengths I may have gained from this shit, people run scared. Make no mistake, there is NO CURE FOR CANCER so don’t tell me I should hold out for one. The only thing I have to look forward to is a claim of remission and even that’s not a given.

All is not what it seems. Happy bloody new year.


6 thoughts on “But You Look So Well

  1. Margie Barratt

    Hi you are obviously in a very bad place at the moment, angry and afraid. I hope that you are able to come to a more peaceful mind-set for your sake and for the sake of those who love you. You are right, no one can really help you and be aware that all they can offer are platitudes which are well meant but not too helpful unless you accept them for what they are. Peace to you – Shalom.


    • Hi Margie. This is part of my journey. It is not new but something I carry that relates to my illness. A truthful account of my journey would be incomplete without it. It’s about my experience, not about everyone else around me. They’re on their own journeys which I don’t pretend to understand. This is just how it is. The physical effects of the disease are only the tip of the iceberg; it goes far deeper than that. If someone in a similar situation reads it and realises they’re not the only one battling, then I’ve helped someone else.


      • Margie Barratt

        Thanks for your reply, you have given me a new insight and something to think about. I had treatment for Lymphoma so I can understand some of the experience. Thanks for your honesty.


    • ❤ I know. I don't always feel it but that's not the point. On some level, I know everyone's love and concern are reaching me and helping the process. I can't imagine how much worse it'd be if I was truly on my own but you can still be surrounded by supportive people and still feel utterly alone. We're all on our own trip. The human experience is not for sissies and I'm definitely studying a degree this time round!


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